Sunday, May 25, 2008

Major B.-aka- Pain writes from Iraq:


We have cracked the code to all of your unwanted weight gains.
Combat Out Post Hades! Aka Club Hades.

Yes, that's right for only a short duration (7 months) in Hades you can loose unthinkable amounts of undesirable weight. We won't have to thrash you in true Marine Corps fashion to get you to loose those unwanted pounds, NOOOOO will simply let you hang out with us.

Sorry, no TV or many social events scheduled in Hades just long days and plentiful sunshine and heat.
So all of you Salsa dancers are out of luck because you're going on patrol. Perfect form fitting body armor (not) and fashionable Kevlar helmets are the rage, all the cool kids are wearing them.

You will begin your weigh loss program feeling the cool 95 degree sun rays beating down on you around 5 AM. By 0800 it will be over 110. Don't fret that silly hot air blowing in your face, it helps with the skin cleansing sand paper factor.

Here at Hades we encourage large amounts of water consumption otherwise, you will die. Frankly our fist aide and mouth to mouth isn't all what its cracked up to be so when you go vertical form your kidneys shutting down, you are on your own. Eating isn't a real problem, oh we have plenty of chow, T-Rats and MREs are the rage and for fine cuisine we will BBQ spiced with the nature dirt that adds minerals to your system (as if you haven't already eating enough dirt). Don't worry about fist size proportions because of the heat you really wont feel like eating and you gut will be full of water.

To ensure you get your minimal exercise, a couple brisk laps around COP Hades will ensure those hard to lose sections will be burnt off. Just about the time the sun crazy dog decides to chase you from the local village your heart rate will automatically shoot up and the pounds will slip away……….or you get bit.
Rabies isn't that bad (snicker) .

To add to your basic beginner workout we wouldn't want to cheat you out of your experience so not if but when the sand fleas begin feasting on your flesh, your continuous scratching of your skin until it's raw will tone and shape your already slim body enhancing that "Hey I'm super thin, I must have a parasite" physique look. You will be the envy at every cocktail party!

Sleep is for the cub scouts so as you are burning the midnight hours, our scientifically M&M coffee brewed combination will escalate your sugar levels through the ceiling. Now that's a supplement to experience at Club Hades AND its free.

But remember, you kill the "Joe" YOU make some MO!

We don't require you to purchase a membership or spend your money on high priced "required" supplements, oh no, eat that snicker bar before it melts, your life may depend on it!! Just in case you have that extra hard to loose weight lose problem our genetically cultured poop flies will most likely land on your chow, face, mouth and try to fly up your nose on several occasions throughout the day and they bring that special punch that will keep you running to the restroom a couple times a day. See you're already loosing your appetite and weight reading this! Your welcome! That's the least we can do for you at Club Hades, so join now!
Time for a Cigar, M&Ms and coffee!!!

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